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April Fool's Day
April Fool’s Day originates from Germany. It is believed to be the brain child of Gabriel Hoffman who lived in Damstadt during the 1860’s. The day is celebrated in many countries with the execution of elaborate practical jokes on unsuspecting...
IT'S FABULOUS FEBRUARY!
IT'S FANTASTIC FEBRUARY OF COURSE! (Calendar of Odd Events for - FEB. 2005) -- Compiled by Lady Beatrice Blitterlees and researched by The Earl of Craboon -- Why is everyone so happy? Well, firstly it’s flamboyant festive February -- the shortest...
IT'S JEST JANUARY!
Copyright "The Quipping Queen" 2005. CALENDAR OF ODD EVENTS - JAN. 2005 -- Eccentric events and odd occasions to celebrate in January 2005 -- **Compiled by Lady Beatrice Blitterlees and edited by Lord Earl Craboon January is, to put it bluntly,...
JEEPERS CREEPERS IT'S JULY!
Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005. JEEPERS CREAPERS IT'S JULY! -- Odd Events & Activities Calendar for July 2005 -- Compiled by: Beatrice Blitterlees & Earl Craboon July is one of the most popular jocund, jocose, and jocular months of the year....
Tonto's Lament
I approached the cell where they were holding Tonto. I had some feeling of fear at the
prospect of being locked up in a 6x8 cell with the man who shot the Lone Ranger. The
guard asked me if I wanted to go in and I mentioned this.
" He also...
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Pause o'Menses
Want a word that’s ensured to illicit a myriad of comments, moans, groans, eye rolling and jokes?
Menopause.
Go ahead, say it out loud. Get used to it. If it hasn’t happened to you yet, trust me, it will; and trust me when I say “you’ll live”, you will.
You won’t become a eunuch; nor will you become a card carrying member of some androgynous sect. Unless, of course, you’re a huge David Bowie fan. I hear he’s the president.
So, here are a few of the little goodies you can look forward to; as well as a few heartfelt clarifications.
Hot flashes
A wonderful way to keep your pores clean and your skin hydrated - really, really hydrated.
Cold flashes
What you’d kill for when you’re having a hot flash.
Excessive bleeding
This is simply your body’s way of refusing to “go quietly into that good night”
Mood swings
If you’ve ever been married, had children, or breathed air, you’ve already experienced mood swings. They're old hat.
Dry vagina
A dry one is preferable to a drippy one. If it’s bothersome, there are a zillion products that you can squirt up there.
Increased or decreased libido
A Patek Philipe watch will increase your libido, and a bad hair day will
decrease it. So what? You’ve faked it before, you still can.
Incontinence
Try not to laugh too boisterously. Instead, adopt an enigmatic Mona Lisa smile, it will afford an aura of mystery, and keep your panties dry.
Increased flatulence
If you make a little mistake, simply look around for the offending individual. Please, of course it's not you.
Depression
For God’s sake, we’re waiting for an onslaught of anthrax, smallpox, and the creeping crud. Who isn’t depressed?
So, take heart, you’ll make it through. Have fun with it.
Play “connect the dots” with your age spots. If they form an exact replica of Abraham Lincoln, you may be able to get on The Letterman Show.
Pause o'Menses by D. Gustafson. Copyright 2003. All rights reserved.
For more of the really swell aspects of aging, visit Mama’s Secrets, http://www.mamassecrets.com
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
D. Gustafson is a mother, grandmother, daughter, ex-wife, artist, accountant, webmaster, and published writer.
Oh, and of course, we can’t leave out, “over achiever”. Give her a couple of years, and with any luck, maybe we can toss in crane operator and, who knows, possibly dictator of a small tropical island.
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